Time goes but it also remain.

  1. Forbidden Hobby

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    Holy week was a weeklong general cleaning task for me and my mom. We’re going to attend my granny’s burial this next Tuesday so we’ll be leaving early this coming Monday. The thought was still tentative for us so before anything else we occupied the vacancies of our time cleaning. Bicol is far and we don’t want to be going home with a clutter after the burial.

    The completion of our general cleaning ends with an absolute mess. Instead of well-keeping and sprucing the whole house we see ourselves coming out with lots of old things that were kept a long time ago. Some of them are still useful and some are not.

    When I’m exhausted I closed the door of my room and sit to write something in my journal. I saw the huge cabinet beside my aparador. (Really huge cabinet and much bigger than my aparador)

    Where’s the key?! Where the hell did I put the keys of my sacred cabinet?! Then poofs! It was under the books in the bookshelf. I recall.

    How I wish I could post a picture of my room to demonstrate where and how huge I kept my secret things though my room was excretive. It wasn’t fully furnished at all and the walls are running of smirch because it was unpainted. The room was designed due to my stubbornness of having the upper bed in the double deck. But my brother and I should separate rooms so my dad did the design to put the bed near the ceiling for me. It was funny though?!

    I open the cabinet and viola! I saw the old me trying to picture how I did a lot of things. I recall going home after school just to lock my room and paint. It was pleasure. A forbidden hobby. My mom really hates to see me concentrating in drawings and stuffs, sculpting and weird pursuit.

    I decided to clean up my stuffs alone but my mom insists of helping though I insist of doing it alone with the fear of her seeing my things. I saw the expensive paints and canvasses. Before I haven’t eaten and save all my allowance for books and paints. I’d even work on my classmates and other year level’s project to earn a small amount of money just to add up. Had a part time job in my mom’s office as a clerk and some typing jobs. My mom did even ask me where did my money was spent, I just answer “I eat and new books.”

    I saw the canvass. The frames, (special thanks to my dearest high school friend namely Christian, and Mikkie!), some are empty and some does had paintings. (Lot of it! I can’t imagine I kept a lot of it! Huge pile of canvass frames and paints! But where’s the brushes?!)

    I posted some of the pictures. Those were taken outside the veranda. Should I call it veranda? Hahaha! I don’t know either! I don’t know what to call it but we call it “labas”.

    When my mom saw the clutter inside my room she was I amazed that I kept a lot of dirty stuffs for a long time without her getting mad. She gradually picks up the pieces and put it outside. She ask me If I’ll still be using this, that, or some sort of the other and the other. And I answered “Lets burn it all ma. Isabay natin dun sa ibang gamit at tuyong dahon.”

    My mom hesitate to and she put each frames and canvass in the old empty cabinet she putted in the “labas” to make a shelves together with the other clutter. I said “Wait Ma! I feel like blogging about it later. Picture-an ko muna ha!”

    After taking a photo of it, I decided to burn all of it. Besides the paints are arid already and the canvass doesn’t look pretty well and haven’t take cared of for a lot of years so the paint run out and the colors faded already cause it doesn’t had laminated coating.

    It was quite a morning! Nostalgia. Flash backs! Oh God. Past makes me feel how stupid I am now yet stupider before! Fun way to reminisce. Make fun of life I guess. I took it seriously too much before! I think I should exult and explore than stock with adventurous imagination with paint and brushes. Now’s the time to make it real!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  2. THEGROWTHOFCOMMONLIEIN-HERETOFORE-DAYS.

    Simple things thought by complicated mind.

    Unpretending life with scruffy girl.

    That’s me. Stereotypical. A walkover. Plain, quiet and self-explanatory. Uncluttered.

    I’m a girl who lives as simple as I wanted to. A girl who never ask for something I couldn’t have. 

    A girl who’s contented with what I thought. A girl with more or less knowledge that anyone.

    A girl who smiles at everybody she met or will meet.

    A girl who read books alot and imagine adventure with it but never tried some.

    A girl whose afraid of trying. A rancor, truant life lived to the fullest.

    I do what I want and never do what others told me so.

    I’m quite difficult yet so simple. In other words I’m FACILE.

    I live with green and brown as a color. Eat with pleasure and satisfaction.

    I don’t hear people about me. I listen to myself’s desire. I never changed.

    I guess that was good about me. I remain the same as ever. “A stubbord clumsy girl.”

    I know when to give. Though I don’t know how to receive.

    I say what’s on my mind but I never say what I feel.

    Sometimes I do but most of the time I hide. 

    I blogged with the reality of metha mesage from my over-flowing emotions.

    One thing or should I say the only thing I love about my self was I’m always me.

    I am me. I act as me. I’m being me. I’m comfortable with complaints and rejections about being me.

    At least I am me. No false actions. I was just me.

    I’m capable of hurting anybody. — in fact I like hurting others and make them get used with the pain.

    I got alot of pain though it wasn’t hurting me. I’m used to it. So I never experience being hurt or crying just because of someone.

    Somebody gave me a hint how love with certainly hurt but I just moved on that easy. Not quite easy as I say.

    Not as painful as everybody says about love. I admit it was painful. I spent chit-chatting with him for almost 1yr and 2 or more months.

    I guess what really hurts me was not about the love I built on him.

    What hurts me is the habitual admiration. It becomes a routine. It never had emotions. Not at all.

    We’re just having each other to have someone to talk to after a long tiring day.

    Someone you could basically call ahmmmm… a companion. There’s no love. No emotions too. Pain three.

    It hurts, not losing him but the thought of not having someone to talk to or someone to lift up the words to make the pain of living go way little better.

    Everything went back and fall into it’s places after the agony of having no one was listed.

    When one fucking night, there was this guy who drove himself out of the boredom and I don’t actually know if it was fate or just a coincidence.

    Abrupt thing. I just met him by an instance. No one knows.

    Having fun. Talking to him all day long. Making silly conversations. 

    Ludicrous thoughts by midnight. Internet buddies huh?

    Suddenly. I got up the eagerness to meet him personally.

    What motive?! FOR WHAT?!

    Maybe I just want to make a better thought of him.

    No! Because I want him.

    No futher words. It’s unexplainable. Everything he spoke was perfectly well.

    It’s not what I feel from the first love I thougth.

    This was not just a simple cling. Not a companion.

    It’s obsession.

    It’s wound when he was not there.

    And it’s heaven when he was.

    Oh I’m a brave little girl who can do everything.

    It’s 5 months and counting.

    I become a worthless girl who can’t do anything.

    Cumbersome.

    The pain of losing him all the way.

    I’ve done every part.

    Follow every rule. This not me. So not me.

    Tears. Fuck it!

    It was just like he ripped off my body and loose off my heart.

    I was fully empty.

    Why is it much painful than I thought.

    It was painful. Paroxysm.

    I never asked anything. Never did. I just want to be perfect.

    But the only thing I love about myself turns out to be the only problem.

    I wished I could be just me but I’m not perfect.

    It was just only me.

    Only me.

    Does LOVE ache like this?

    Like you’re dying. Like you’re crying every night and fall asleep then wake up crying again.

    I can be perfect.

    The first lie.

    I never cried.

    The second lie.

    I’m not hurt.

    The third lie.

    I’m fine.

    The greatest lie.

    We’re twin soul with no way to be. 

  3. Sana…

      
    Download now or listen on posterous
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    Sana pwede kong balikan yung mga araw na masaya pa tayo. Yung kada linggo nakikita kita.

    Yung pakiramdam na kahit wala ka nandyan ka lang para sumoporta. 

    Yung parang kahit hindi tayo akin ka. Yung pakiramdam na mahal mo ko.

    Yung pakiramdam na napakswerte ko kasi nakilala kita.

    Yung mga future plans. Yung mga nakakatawang kwentuhan.

    Yung mga ngiti mo. Yung mga hawak mo.

    Yung pakiramdam na kahit pagalitan ako pag uwi ok lang kasi masaya ko.

    Yung may dahilan para gumising. Dahilan para huminga. 

    Yung pakiramdam na kahit anong sabihin ko iintindihin mo.

    Yung kahit anong ikwento ko papakinggan mo.

    Yung uupo lang tayo ng mag katabi.

    Kakain ng sabay. Tatawa ng malakas. Maglalakad ng malayong malayo.

    Yung titingnan kita. Yung paglalaruan ko yung mga daliri mo.

    Yung aayusin ko yung buhok mo.

    Yung uuwi ka ng maaga para makausap ako.

    Yung excitement pag nakikita kitang online. 

    Yung pakiramdam na ligtas ako pag kasama kita.

    Ang dami dami kong gustong sabihin. Ang dami kong dahilan para magustuhan ka.

    Pero wala akong dahilan para mahalin ka.

    Sana nga may dahilan nalang ako para pwede ko ring kalimutan yung dahilan na yun at makalimutan din kita agad.

    Sana kaya ko.

    Sana.

    Masakit kasi yung iparamdam mo sakin na wala akong karapatan.

    Na hindi mo ko pinaniniwalaan at pinagkakatiwalaan.

    Na mababaw lang tingin mo sa akin.

    Masakit yun alam mo ba?

    Alam mo bang kahit gano kasakit hindi sumagi sa isip kong palayain ka.

    Kaya kahit bitawan mo yung kamay ko pinipilit ko padin hawakan yung iyo. 

    Mas masakit kasi pag nawala ka eh.

    Mas masakit pag hindi ka akin.

    Wala naman talaga akong karapatan di ba?

    Pero sana.

    Sana.

    Sana meron.

    Sana tayo.

  4. HAPPINESS~

    I just bought three new books. Suspense thriller for valentines. I should have get busy to divert my attention. I got short of it.

    I’m exasperated by the thought of having a cold one. Prevention is better than cure. I knew it. I should be ready for a great heartbreak warfare. 

     

    I won’t lose the battle anyway. I’ll win over him. I’ll follow the rules.

     As for now I’m SO SO SO Excited for having one of the first JAMES PATTERSON’S Thriller. I’ll be finishing it after a week. All of it. :))

  5. BOOK.

     

    HOW I WISH THAT ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT ARE BOOKS. JUST BOOKS.

     

    Cause I know I’m still the foolish girl who waits and I’m perfectly aware how fine you are right now. Well, seriously, it still hurts.

  6. THE DOG

    The last Wednesday of January at the year of 2011. I’ve been seeing this hallucinations and fictional events for almost 3 months since I got this cute dog stuffed toy from an animal site. September 10 last year, specifically, 2010. An unusual animistic site gave me a cute stuffed toy. Counting the history, I must have this dog for almost 5 months. No. Turning 5 months this February 10. I’ve been working so hard to keep the toy in my hands. Holding it tight. Looking at it every jiffy of 24/7. Talking like it can actually response. I don’t know why I’m doing this. It feels like almost having it secured and never gotten away. Beyond my assurance I see it in the peripheral side that any time I might have lose it. And I’m afraid I thought so.

    The dog taught me the value of life. Reach for the extreme satisfaction. Pleasure of having it. And the joy that the world could only give to those who deserve it. I’m glad the dog stuffed toy made me feel like I should have continue living. Wanna know what? In every good side lie a bad one. It’s not always happy. You cannot play the card by your own wish how the ace will turn. I had this dog and ruin my 17 years of existence.

    I cried before and never did it again. But this fucking dog let me see how the hell works on a living. How the evil business touches the end of your nails. He created an enormous letter of death threat. He lie on my bed like nothing but stabbing my head of every silly things that destiny brings. He tear my heart into million of pieces just because I have him. That imbecile stuffed toy wrecked my perfect plan of living. He let everyone see that I’m sinuous and never to be trust cause I’m prejudicial. Raw and rotten thoughts. 

    The toy gave me a hug of pleasure in pain. A kiss of contentment in sore. And lastly the love of having a lesion. I always taught of ripping out the dimity of it. Tearing the toy into lot of pieces just like how he made me to be. Burning it until it turn into ashes and leave it with no one. And I never lose an opportunity to do it. But I never had the courage to hurt myself.

    Hurting the toy would hurt me. Equality. Losing it  would be like losing my life. And seeing it possess by others would kill me. Amazing toy huh? 

    I will hold the toy until I’m breathing. I’ll take the pain and sufferings till the end. I’ll endure the torment and dolor. I’ll disbelief myself just to believe in him. I’ll hold the cactus of malady in my whole body. Tribulation. Self penetration. That’s easy. It was just like stabbing myself to death. I’ll carry the musk of being unloved. I’ll write all the good words for him and betray my own. I’ll kill myself just make him live his own. I’d cut every fingers that I had just to relegate his doubts of my love. I’ll punish myself by the sins that only his mind had created. 

    I’ll wait until the toy can talk and say to me that “I love you too.”. Though everybody knows that a toy couldn’t talk. I’ll take hundreds of life time just to hear him say that. I’ll waste every penny I could have. I’ll do everything. I must. And once I say it’s impossible. I’ll gather every reason to stop and divert it into reasons to stay. I have no idea how much I love the toy that I could even lose my mind.

    I’ll wait until he trust me enough to hold me tight and never let go of my hand but as of now. I’ll be holding him. I’ll be the one to do so. Knowing the fact that:

    I JUST BORROWED HIM. AND HE’LL NEVER BE MINE.

     

  7. Biskwit ako.

  8. Gesture

    Living is a game. Yet living and loving is another story.

    There’s a thin line separating happiness and sadness.

    Just like those boundaries you’d created to define; Living without you or living with you.

    You know the fact that I’m concealing?

    It’s just that somebody else thought me to love. Not you,

    But that happen far behind before I met my life,

    Before I met you.

    Those are the part of the past.

    You wouldn’t understand cause you never believe, 

    And what hurt the most was,

    You never will.

    Living is waking up trying to brush your teeth with the your laziness.

    Loving is gaining money in a hard way and letting someone to hold and spend it for you.

    You can never be happy when you’d never been sad,

    Maybe that explains it.

    Knowing and being with you makes me sad,

    Sadly, Being sad is what satisfies me.

    Pretending that you’re mine is painful when you can never be,

    Yet I’m trying to hold on.

    Holding on what we’ve created was the only reason I live,

    It keeps me alive every single hurtful moment.

    Crying has no use.

    It won’t make you trust me.

    Why do you have to give me tons of reasons to leave you,

    with no single reason to stay.

    I’m hanging on a thread try to reach your hand but why?

    Why can’t you see me when I’m right in front of you.

    I won’t say goodbye.Never.

    I won’t go away.

    But atleast let me do it.

    Let me stay.

  9. Baliw ka! Di ko sinasadya kasi di pala nakalog in! Grrrr. HAHAHAHA. Miss you Monique,

    HAHAHAHAH XD. Pikunin ka talga A! XD XD. I miss you more. :))

    Asking anything won’t kill you basically :)

  10. Girl ka pa lang? Okay next question please. Hahahahahaha. Anyways, What makes you interesting?

    A! Tae ka! Tigilan mo yang pag anonymous mo ahh! XD

    Asking anything won’t kill you basically :)

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